Jokes! (Boredom Relief)

[Reverse Stockholm Syndrome]

I dedicate this thread to boredom relief through jokes.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you think."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think.

[Reverse Stockholm Syndrome]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a> > check.. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great..... some asshole's got my pen."

[Mike]

haha very nice!

[nattie]

truthfully not a joke, but is entertaining for those that are amused easily (ie, me!)
www.badgerbadgerbadger.com
and for anyone who hasn't already seen strongbad....go!
www.homestarrunner.com
links at bottom - sbemails
scroll down to dragon
TROGDOR!!!!!!!!!

[Reverse Stockholm Syndrome]

The poo list

Ghost poo: You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper but none in the toilet.

Teflon coated poo: It comes out so slick and clean that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure that you did it.

Gooey poo: This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. The poo leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second thought poo: Your all done wiping and you're about to stand up when you realise it... you've got some more.

Pop a vein in your forehead poo: This is the kind that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Weight watchers poo: You poo so much, you lose several kilograms.

Right now poo: You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually has its head out before you can get your pants down.

King kong or dunny choker poo: This one is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of poo usually happens at someone else's house.

Cork poo (also known as floaters): Even after the third flush, it's still floating in the bowl. My god! How do I get rid of it?

Wet cheeks poo: The poo hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets you all wet.

Wish poo: You sit there all cramped up, fart a few times, but no poo.

Cement block poo (with extra bluemetal): You'd wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you pooed.

Snake poo: This poo is fairly soft and about as thick as your thumb, and at least 3 foot long.

Beer drink and meat pie poo (also known as the AGB): This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't smell too bad, but this one is BAD... usually this one happens at someone else's house and there's someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom.

Mexican food poo (also called screamers): You'll know its alright to eat again when your bum stops burning.

The phantom poo: This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to putting it there.

The crowd pleaser: This poo is so intriguing in size or appearance that you have to show someone before flushing.

Frighteningly real, isn't it!?

[megaman]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[Reverse Stockholm Syndrome]

PRISON & WORK

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

iN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

Have a Great Day at WORK!!

[PUNKER]

*CACK* Thats funny and so so true...

[megaman]

Haha. Don't cack yourself now.

I have one, but I won't say it.

[Reverse Stockholm Syndrome]

The President of the United States of America.... George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil let him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony
Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No Way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill
Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head
and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah
I could handle this."

The devil smiled and said......... "Monica, you're free to go!"